A Punk and the Atonement

hey
still alive and yes its a good reason [for not writing yesterday] ...not excuse.
yesterday we had a general athourity come and we had zone confrence (elder darrel h garn) and after that we had 2 other elders come and stay the night at our house cus they couldent drive back to there area that night and so yea... they visited old converts and we worked after the zone confrence.
so that day was gone and today we have p day.
to answer one of your questions, no not in any way am i having problems with elder knaras,he helps me out with everything and we have fun too. and truthfully i think he is the best comp ill have on my mission the man is pure stud. enough said.
and as for mom, i want you to know specifically, you are beautiful, every time you look in the mirror or see your reflection know that, and know that you hvae a son on a mission who loves you very much. he(the son) gets in habits to sit down on the comp and read a letter, then, write back...last week dad had said you were going to write ...so i was preparing to read...and i didn't get it which added with the fact that i only have a certin amount of time on here equals that i wrote a letter to dad and was waiting to write one specifically to you and you didnt get it for thoes reasons...iam sorry. i will now only write one letter and iam going to have to cut down on alot, its hard cus i kinda just wanna talk sometimes but...cant...so take a few words to mean a whole lot more beacuse they are ment for that.
i love you mom.
now, to everyone else:
Iam sorry but i am going to say this very very blunt and you can edit it or whatnot if you want for everyone else...but espically in this week have i had expierences that so closely coincide with life back there that i have to be as very honest as i can about it.
i guess to start off with this
your choices do not make the choices of others. ever.
the power of another persons agency is more powerful than you are and you can not change them except for if they choose to let you.
i can't tell you all how much we screw up beacuse we "think we can..." beacuse we "think we have reason to..." and how very much we hurt others for this. Or on the other side, we hurt ourselves. we permit ourself to fall to a lesser for the worth of nothing.
A Man fell to a nothing this week. and iam going to tell a little of his story.the man was a punk, honestly, he was the reason that mexicans have a bad name to alot of people. the first time i met him (first week here in clarksville) we went to teach his girlfriend(who he calls wife) and he todally ditched us making up some errand so that he left to go and smoke pot/drink...the man beat his girlfriend cus (in his own words) "he felt like a king" after a year of this he got cracked in the face by life. she left, with his baby girl and he was alone.
he had for one year, the choice to stop, the choice to be happy. and did not do it.
that night he call us in tears, he got our number from someone else and called us cus he didn't know what to do.
we taught him a very hard lesson about the atonement, but, if there is anything in the world that can touch a man's heart its the atonement.
he knew,that he had done this himself, and it racked him with pain. he knew that(in his own words) "his family is the best thing in the world" but he shot it in the back and decided drugs were better.
well...he started changing, beacuse, he took that lesson of the atonement and applied it. we taught him and he grew, stronger, happier, a better man. and really really was happier. but he did something that he can't... he started relying on the fact that he was going to change so that she would come back.
yes that is noble, but its stupid.
his first intentions were to be a better stronger man who could support others, help others and he was doing it,honestly we could see the change in his form.
but,he then decided he would do it to "change her choice." this is not possible, we cannot make choices for others. and, when she and he talked on the phone and he told her all the amazing things that had been happening and how much he loved her and that she can come back now...she said "no" "i am not going to, i am glad your changing, but i am going to stay here"
he fell. we taught him and taught him but he got depressed, we told him the love of his father in heaven could help him but he wouldn't open the door.
"i stand at the door and knock"...right now all he has to do is open the door and all of it, all, will be ok.

my family, i love you, you are not in the same spot as this man is phisicly but i know that mentally it is the same. that talk, by elder wirthlin is soo important. it must be understood with the gospel beacuse we cannot open a door we dont know exists.
my dad, my mom...you must realize that you could argue until you die, but until you give up and change yourself it dosent matter. why else learn about charity? if someone dosn't know what to change they then need to study this...
dad, if logan bawls after a match and you snap at him until he dosn't...how does he know,espically at his age, to feel sadness. watch rocky with him, tell him of your sports stories until he does have the sadness of loss, then teach him the comfort of being able to start anew and have another chance. isn't that what god has given to us? in his perfection he will"rack our soul with torment, then , through this very desire give us another chance" Alma 36:15-21
and if a prophet of god tells us that smiling is better than frowning...you stinkin know its true...espically mom when you know how many times you were pissed at me and couldn't help but laugh when i wouldn't let you get away from a bear hug.
i am sorry for my actions to you all in the past, i never made it easy for you...ever. but now i have decided to change and i will strengthin you with everything i can...even more than that...much much more than that, so will your god...you just have to make the choices to do and be so.
i am sorry that this letter is so much more different than the others, but the end is the same and will always be whether its written or not, i love you all,with all my heart and i pray for you every single day.
gotta-flipping-wanna!
tell my brother nate that i love the man. and he probably dosn't have the care to write me or anything like that but if you see him pick him up and shake him around and tell him it was from me. tell him he's the man and when i get back i'll take him out and we'll stinkin rock our socks off.

i love you family,
elder josh